Headline Muse

We're Pro-Choice, Except When We're Not

2009-07-10T09:49:00.001-07:00

The ladies over at Feministing.com are in a state of absolute glee. A recent posting included the phrases "Damn Straight!" and "Booya." We can't quite figure out all the hubbub, but they seem to be excited about the following court ruling.

We read the synopsis of the opinion and found that the judges came to a very reasonable conclusion. A law that mandates the distribution of a drug does not seem to impinge anyone's free exercise of religion. The pharmacists are still free to practice a religion that states abortion is a sin all they want.

Should there be a pharmacist that hates Catholics, because his church considers Rome to be the Whore of Babylon, we would not want our political overlords telling us that it is perfectly fine for the hypothetical pharmacist to discriminate on the basis of creed because the pharmacist tries to abuse the first amendment. Therefore, we do not take issue with the court ruling, but there is something flawed in feministing.com's rhetoric.

The post labels a pharmacist's right to refuse to distribute the morning after pill "Anti-Choice" when indeed, invoking this right expands the range of choices available to the pharmacist. A law that requires anyone to do something is the most anti-choice type of legislation. This shows that feministing.com simply does not want the government to take a pro-choice stance, but rather, a pro-abortion stance.

We agree with the ladies over there to some extent on this "right of conscious" nonsence. If a helathcare worker is employed and their superiors order them to distribute the morning after pill, or to prep a paitient for a legal abortion, and said worker refuses, it seems perfectly appropriate for that worker's employment to be terminated without the threat of suit. This viewpoint takes the stance that the government should not intervene in the private going-ons of commerce. Taking this view requires us to apply this view when considering whether the owner of a pharmacy decides whether to stock the morning after pill or not. In our opinion, the most pro-choice stance says the government should not mandate what a private enterprise chooses to sell. A pro-abortion stance threatens fines should a pharmacist not provide the pill.

Feministing recently linked to this article which expressed dissapointment should a man not choose to label himself a feminist, even if he did believe that men and women should be treated equally. If being a male feminist requires knee jerk applause of a government policy because it reaffirms one of your ideals, in this case, your pro-abortion stance, no wonder men do not want this label.

New Monkey Discovered, World a Better Place

2009-07-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

Some scientists got together and decided that this adorable critter is,

in fact, a monkey that qualifies as previously undiscovered. You can read all about this scientological breakthrough here.

The announcement says,

"This discovery should serve as a wake-up call that there is still so much to learn from the world's wild places, yet humans continue to threaten these areas with destruction."

As if learning for learning's sake is a worthwhile endeavor. The world is in the middle of a global recession. Tell us how the monkey can enrich the world. If the destruction of this monkey's home provides a human, albeit a Brazilian, a job, so he can feed her family, all the better. We were indifferent to the continued existence of this monkey yesterday, and just because they announce its confirmed existence, we should care about it's continued existence today? We think not, scientist.

So, we say to you, scientists, stop expending so much effort battling perceived threats, like the destruction of a monkey's tree house, and do something useful. Convince the politicians that spraying mosquito nets with DDT is a good idea. Should we choose, we choose malaria stricken Africans over the California Condor, and society should too.

P.S. They don't even have California Condors in Africa.

Definitions

2009-05-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

Suicide - the act of killing yourself

Murder - kill intentionally and with premeditation

Given these definitions, there is something odd with this post:

Suicide squad kills 30, wounds 250 in Pakistan

Murder squad is a better headline, anyway.

Bear Attack!

2009-04-23T16:02:00.000-07:00

We used to be of the philosophy that we need not be faster than the bear, we only must be faster than the slowest person running from the bear. This story has changed all of that. Imagine doing your best Another Hopkins impression when you are side swiped by a car!

Now, we must be faster than cars?

"A pregnant woman was running from a bear when she darted into the road and was struck by a car, said the Colorado Springs Police Department.
Ashley Swendsen, 26, was struck this afternoon, near the intersection of Woodmen Drive and Vincent Drive on the city's northwest side. The motorist drove off."

And of course the driver fled the scene, there was a fucking bear!

Wikipedia for Spies: The CIA Discovers Web 2.0

2009-04-08T16:51:00.001-07:00

Sorry that we have been away for nearly a month, but this story brought us out of hibernation.

Apparently the folks over at Langley are creating, "Intellipedia, a classified version of Wikipedia they say is transforming the way American spy agencies handle top secret information by fostering collaboration across Washington and around the world."

Jimmy Wales, creator of Wikipedia had this to say, "No longer is the shit I thought up the most unreliable source of information on the net."

Forever 21

2009-03-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

Good news to all you larger ladies out there, Forever 21, or XXI Forever like the one at Valley Fair is launching a Plus-Sized line.

Here is a photo of one of their plus sized models:

No, wait, that's one of their old girls. So listen up broads, instead of looking like her, you are now able to dress like her. You too, can be Forever 21...size 21.

Imagine no Possessions, or Girl Scouts

2009-03-02T16:30:00.000-08:00

The folks over at the San Jose Mercury News (The San Jose Bay Area's finest news source) are telling its readers to "imagine life without Thin Mints, or any Girl Scout cookies for that matter. It's hard because they've become so ingrained in American culture." O rly?

We see no downside to the disappearance of the fabled Thin-Mint. First these fine fellows

have been bringing you Grasshopper cookies all year round.

In fact, we only see upside. No longer will the moms in the office attempt to shake you down for a few boxes and you will not have to walk to the far entrance of Safeway to avoid the squeaky sales pitch from 9 year old girls.

The piece informs the reader that "There are some who think the cookies are an anachronism in the post-feminist era, , and others who use them as a whipping boy (or would that be girl?) in the fight against childhood obesity." Are we living in a post-feminist era? Tell that to the broads over at Feministing.

The author thinks we should buy Girl Scout Cookies because they are American. She thinks that the are uniquely American because "Unlike McDonald's and Coca-Cola, which have become symbols (both positive and negative) of American food as they've multiplied all over the globe, Girl Scout cookies are virtually unknown abroad." That's not American, that's failure. America has successfully exported its culture throughout the world. To say that Girl Scout cookies are unknown outside our shores is to say that they are pretty terrible.

No one thinks of Girl Scouts when they think of America. They think of shitty public schools, crumbling infrastructure, heart disease and assault rifles. If preserving the American culture is so important that the Mercury News would publish this garbage, why do our politicians try so hard to fund our schools, build bridges, provide access to health care and infringe on our second amendment rights?

More Sex

2009-02-26T11:03:00.001-08:00

The Mercury News apparently has a great sports page, read all about it here.

We like their coverage of local news. One particular story caught our attention, specifically,

Gilroy High teacher arrested in sex case involving a minor

The article didn't do a very good job answering the questions that came to mind:

What is a Sex Case?

Where do we get one?

Are they see through? We are fairly modest and like to keep our shame private. We are concerned with their transparency because if this fellow

was in the case when he was arrested, how did the police find him?

Finally, why were children involved?

More Fish

2009-02-25T16:41:00.001-08:00

AP: Study of fossils shows prehistoric fish had sex

The lurid details of the scene depicted in the artist's rendition can be found here.

Sex that happened 380 million years ago, that sounds about right to us.

Fish Feet

2009-02-24T15:13:00.000-08:00

If you have an annoying clump of cells that you need to get rid of, they better be found in your uterus and not on your feet as

State officials ban fish pedicures

For the uninitiated, a fish pedicure involves the salon customer placing his or her feet in a small aquarium that is filled with dozens of tiny fish that are supposed to nibble off dead skin and help rejuvenate the feet...Texas, Washington, Massachusetts and New Hampshire have also outlawed the practice.

What's next, RU-487, the foot cream?

We don't want to come off as callous, but in all, we don't really care.

Elementary, my Dear Watson

2009-01-15T14:12:00.000-08:00

Really? Analysis: Divisions Complicate Gaza Truce Efforts

This gem was the result of analysis, which makes us wonder, how does one get a job as an analyst, and how much does it pay. We have included some of our better analysis below to help us find analyst positions.

Analysis: Cats Don't Like Dogs

Analysis: Giants Fans Want to Beat LA

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T13:25:00.000-08:00

We were reflecting on what we were thankful for this year, and realized we have much to be thankful for. First we have recently been on a string of hot dates, shed a few L - B - S, and have job offers in a down economy. Clearly we are blessed. With so much to be thankful for we turned to those that are not thankful, but needy. The NYTimes has done all the work for us. Meet Giocondo Topete:

Giocondo suffers from diabetes and can't get out of bed. She receives a monthly social security check for $660. Being bed bound, she wanted a flat screen television for news and entertainment. Want and you shall receive. She may have wanted a flat screen TV, but she needs a vegetable.

50 DVDs a month

2008-11-11T10:27:00.000-08:00

Things are so bad in the economy and housing market that Kenny Rogers has had to cut back his discretionary spending. From the old gray lady.

Kenny Rogers, a data security specialist (ITS NOT EVEN THAT KENNY ROGERS), moved into Mountain House last year, buying a foreclosed property on Prosperity Street for $380,000. But the decline in values has been so fierce that he too is underwater.
He has cut his DVD buying from 50 a month to perhaps one, and is waiting until the Christmas sales to buy a high-definition television. He does not indulge much anymore in his hobbies of scuba diving and flying. “Best to wait for a better price, or do without,” Mr. Rogers, 52, said.

Come on New York Times! You believe this guy bought 50 DVDs a month. That's a news story in itself. Say he buys all of his DVDs online for $10 each, that's $500 a month in DVDs. Now he has to "do without." Our heart bleeds. Let's raise taxes and bail out some Americans, those with Wall Street addresses and those with Main Street addresses.

Also, how can a decline in housing values be fierce? Fierce states intent. Fierce is violently hostile or aggressive in temperament. Violence? Temperment? It's not called domestic violence because the price of your domicile gets drunks and slaps you around. Buy a dictionary, or a thesaurus.

Western Diet

2008-10-20T16:03:00.000-07:00

According to Health Day News, heart disease is the scourge of the world and it is all our fault.

"The fried foods, salty snacks and meats that are staples of the Western diet account for about 30 percent of heart attack risk across the world, a new report suggests.

'This study indicates that the same relationships that are observed in Western countries exist in different regions of the world,' study senior author Salim Yusuf, a professor of medicine at McMaster University and director of the Population Health Research Institute at Hamilton Health Sciences in Ontario, said in an American Heart Association news release."

So if you eat like a "Westerner" in the east, you will have a heart attack. People from countries with historically eastern diets were pissed. Jean Robert Annuayak from Gabon had this to say, "We take no responsibility for our own actions. It is the west's fault! We from the east are going to band together and export our diet to the west. That will show them. Soon they will be malnourished and starving from the half handful of couscous that we ate before the delicious and sensibly priced Big-Mac made it to our shores."

We, having body image issues, feel Jean Robert's pain.

Very Good Slate

2008-10-17T15:02:00.000-07:00

You updated, so here, just a bit of evidence that we are not hacks.

The Constitution

2008-10-17T14:52:00.000-07:00

OH SLATE, we sung your praises in a gChat status message yesterday, but now we are embarrassed. In the subheading for this story you write,

John McCain admires Bill Clinton, whom he voted to impeach.

LIARS! It was impossible for McCain to do so. McCain was in the Senate not the House during the Clinton Presidency.

Read this document, which states "The House of Representatives shall choose their speaker and other officers; and shall have the sole power of impeachment. "

Hacks.

Wall Street Will be Just Fine

2008-10-08T11:29:00.000-07:00

At least we thinks so if they keep getting deals like this.

Bank of America Corp. has sold 455 million shares of its common stock at $22 per share, raising $9.76 million after expenses.

Bank of America raised $10 billion 10 Million. $10 billion 240 thousand went to fees. No wonder they only give us only1% apr on our meager savings.

In completely unrelated news. Silicon Valley/ San Jose Business Journal is seeking an editor that can do math. Specifically, they need an editor that can comprehend that a billion is a thousand million.

NFL Player Paralyzed, Leg Amputated

2008-09-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

We frequent the Yahoo! internet portal on a near daily basis. Yahoo! finance is superior to Google's upstart financial page, but isn't quite there. While checking the damage from the failed Wall Street bailout proposal and the offers for increased virility that plague our yahoo email account (in the spam filtering regard, Google dominates all), we came across the following link, NFL Player Paralyzed, Leg Amputated.

Our thoughts quickly diverted from our poorly performing stocks and sex organs, to the player's health. Special teams can lead to some serious hits and injuries. Kevin Everett broke his neck last year and thankfully has recovered remarkably well. We thought a similar situation occurred and our emotions dropped.

However, Yahoo employs hacks. The paralyzed player was shot 14 times. We do not feel for him as the police think that he was the intended target. It was not a home invasion as in the case of Sean Tayolr.

Stay away from the wrong crowds and set an example.

Awesome

2008-09-10T16:33:00.000-07:00

They sure know how to party in Denver. We are applying for a job writing for the Minerals Management Service

WASHINGTON - Government officials handling billions of dollars in oil royalties partied, had sex with and accepted golf and ski outings from employees of energy companies they were dealing with, federal investigators said Wednesday.

"During the course of our investigation, we learned that some RIK employees frequently consumed alcohol at industry functions, had used cocaine and marijuana, and had sexual relationships with oil and gas company representatives," the report said. Two government employees who had to spend the night after a daytime industry function because they were too intoxicated to drive home were commonly referred to by energy traders as the "MMS Chicks."

The reports also said former head of the Denver royalty-in-kind office, Gregory W. Smith, used cocaine and had sex with subordinates. The report said Smith also steered government contracts to a consulting business that paid him $30,000 for his work from April 2002 through June 2003. Smith retired from the office in May 2007.

And we thought they were civil servants.

Lance! Lance! Lance!

2008-09-09T14:59:00.000-07:00

The greatest athlete of all time, Lance Armstrong, is coming back. Sorry Tiger Woods, you play golf. Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France seven times, in a row, with one testicle. That's like fourteen tours!
In other news, the Jonas Brothers were made fun of at the VMA's for wearing purity rings. Jordin Sparks defended the wearing of purity rings because, "not everbody wants to be a slut." Fair enough, but those purity rings have seemed to fail not only the Jonas Brothers but also Jordin, as Lance Armstrong's announcement led to the pregnancy of all four. That's how powerful Lance's one testicle is.

Hurricanes

2008-09-07T20:19:00.000-07:00

This caught our attention, as it relates to our fan base.

KEY WEST, Fla. - With powerful Hurricane Ike on an uncertain course toward the Gulf of Mexico, many on these low-lying islands took a wait-and-see approach to evacuating Sunday, perhaps a harbinger of attitudes to come from Gulf Coast residents returning from an arduous evacuation and already showing signs of "hurricane fatigue."

We did not read this on our iPhone.

iPhone

2008-09-03T10:53:00.001-07:00

We have an iPhone. Currently, all of our inspiration is coming from it and not from news. We will be back when the luster fades.

Cheating Chi-Coms

2008-08-21T16:49:00.001-07:00

The Reds are at it again! Not only did they run trade surpluses with the U.S. to purchase treasury bills which were then paid as bribes for favorable scores (because really, the yuan don't buy no nine.fivers), but they have used 14 year olds in place of 16 year olds. Now the media has been focused on a missing excel spreadsheet. Read about it here. All this has caused a glaring detail to be overlooked. Study the following photo.

Notice anything unusual about He's left arm? We do! He is wearing a yellow band of sorts. One may think that He simply cares about Lance Armstrong's missing testicle but you would be wrong. A 16 year old woman has an interest in testicles, but not a prepubescent 14 year old girl. We put this photo under our electron microscope and saw this:
CHEAT TO WIN! Proof positive the Chi-Coms are up to no good. We feel this matter is settled.

Think George W. Bush, only funny.

2008-08-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

Ms. Henneberger, writing for Slate.com, describes how Sen. John McCain and Sen. Lindsey Graham are similar. Similarities include:

Military Service
Interest in Military History
Insult Comedy

Ms. Henneberger offers an impeccable definition of humor based on insult. "Think George W. Bush, only funny." What a clever way for letting us know that you too share similarities with the Senators. But really, not only is your insult not amusing, it doesn't make any sense. As any fan of the internet knows, 43 is a big fan of compliment comedy. Observe:

2008-08-14T11:36:00.001-07:00

Beer Pong for Wii

2008-07-31T10:08:00.000-07:00

Talk about boring! A beirut game for the Nintendo Wii? Look at those graphics!

(image from jvgames.com)

And parents are worried that this game will encourage underage drinking.

If your kid could be entertained by a digital version of a drinking game, he probably needs a drink.

The article further mentions that Dartmouth has banned the real life version of water pong for fear of water intoxication, which can lead to death. That forces us to pose the question, if you have the diminished mental capacity to die from drinking too much water, how in the hell did you get into Dartmouth?

Boycott The Olympics

2008-07-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

China has sent a school employee, a janitor if you believe the Chinese government, an instructor if you believe human rights organizations (we tend to believe neither), to the labor camps for one year of hard labor. His crime? Sexual abuse of a minor? Selling drugs to children? Posting pictures of schools that collapsed in the earthquake and criticizing the government? You shouldn't have to read the article to find out. It's the Wall Street Journal, and they don't give news away for free. Our apologies to the plebs that enjoy our blog.

Terrible. We won't watch. We may even have to buy this.

Awesome.

Fat Cat

2008-07-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

Check out this bundle of love courtesy of the NY Post, NYC's finest news source.

What a fatty! Shelter volunteer Deborah Wright, "She was probably fed table scraps, or may have a thyroid problem."

A thyroid problem? Using a thyroid for an excuse for being a fatty generates as much sympathy in us as, "I just really love fried chicken." At least the chicken excuse would be funny and original. If that cat were us, we wouldn't have a thyroid problem, we would have a pants problem.

Thyroid or not, weight is a function of calories in and calories out. So yes, the thyroid reduces the metabolic rate, great, you should be able to save money on food. A lower metabolic rate means you don't have to eat as much.

We want to meet a slim person, compliment them on their relative skinniness and have them respond, "You have no idea how hard I work, I have a thyroid problem!"

6 Sex Mistakes Men Make

2008-07-24T11:30:00.000-07:00

Getting better at the ole in-out in-out has always been an interest of ours. Practice does not always make perfect so we look to third party sources for tips and tricks. We came across this ditty from WebMD, 6 Sex Mistakes Men Make.

Was there any question that all assumed these mistakes would be made pounding down on some female? Do we really need the sub-headline "WebMD offers experts' sex tips for men who have sex with women."

This had us wondering, exactly who did WebMD intend to read this article. Clearly men, WebMD says as much and they added another criteria, Men who have sex with women. The naive would assume WebMD meant heterosexual men. If they meant heterosexual men, why didn't they say as much. Because they did not intend this article to be read by heterosexual men. The target audience is clearly closeted homosexual men, the ones that are trying to be one of the guys. Obviously, having sex with women makes you part of the guys, and if word gets out you make mistakes when having sex with women, women will stop having sex with you, and then everyone would think you are gay, which was what you are trying to prevent.

Welcome to Headline Muse

2008-07-24T11:09:00.001-07:00

Oftentimes news articles inspire us to comment on observations. Headlines and the news stories that follow are our muse. We thought ourselves as clever. However, there is a modern middle eastern girl out there that was clever first. http://headlinemuse.blogspot.com

The subtlety of the Headline Muse humor shows that she has a strong command of the English language and western humor which causes us to doubt her middle eastern origins. Also, it is a western stereotype to consider middle eastern women "behind the veil".

You can buy a poster of that woman here. Maybe hang it in your cube at work. Please support the vendors we take images from.

However, we may be wrong about modern middle eastern girl as she hasn't updated Headline Muse since its creation which leads us to believe she died in some sort of terrorist attack, which is very middle eastern of her. Read about terrorism since April 16 here.

Sorry about the confusion.